It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. Because chickens are decent people. When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? 38. People are fucking nuts. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. They don't want that. They all said: Try to live together peacefully. BAM! You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Next time you're at a wishing well. Let me know in the comments below and please share this post. Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then you're just what they're looking for. I'm here to help. They own all the important land. Thats three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They own everything. Go look for consistency in religion. Actor: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Never join a group that has a name. I wish to be BLOWN UP. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. We cut education, in 50 years, well be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we wont have enough money to pay for defense! George Carlin, 85. The rights and the rights of property. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. That's generally been true. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. ""These days many politicians are demanding change. Didn't need any help on that ladder. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No contest! 28. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. It simply does not give a fuck about you! And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." And the people said "You know something? But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way In this blog post, we'll take a look at some of Carlin's most famous quotes on government. People who have large gums and small teeth. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. Elect me." They don't care about you at all -- at all -- at all. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. Never argue with an idiot. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! And they support the South American DEATH squads. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. It is a coincidence. Banana Republic ran out of khakis? We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. And they all vote. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of. 16. Hosted by Sabrina Tavernise. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. We made the whole fucking thing up! But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. That's what I say. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. Maybe this time it'll work. And generally speaking, people onthe right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. Really. Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Carlin got famous for his bit about the "words you can't say on television," but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. Why did they decide that? Your email address will not be published. So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. 46. Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin, 42. You have owners. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else., Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid., Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out., When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person., If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders., If you have selfish and ignorant citizens then you too will become a selfish and bad leader.. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. And the other two-way word is "prick". The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. George Carlin. No nothing. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio's new HBO documentary "George Carlin's American Dream" takes viewers on a tour through. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. Edited by Liz O. Baylen and Mike Benoist. Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Several reasons. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! In fact, George Carlin had some pretty interesting things to say about government. Various lists of humorous one-liners were forwarded through email in the 1990s, falsely attributed to George Carlin. I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters union. You see all, sooner or later. Then youre just what theyre looking for. They own everything. There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin, 25. I dont believe anything the government tells me., Governments dont want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID? Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, 26. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". "All of you over here, you seven? If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do.
