A Pursuer/Distancer relationship is a challenge for any two people. Both partners are equal in their level of differentiation, their ability to maintain a high level of authentic intimacy. Distancers are blind to the secondary losses of their role, which include a deep sense of loneliness in the partnership. It simply means that they want that time to focus on themselves. As the pursuer, if you are feeling yourself becoming needy and clingy (be honest, you know when you are!) Should You Find a Partner Who's Just Like You? PostedSeptember 3, 2019 A lot of romantic relationships and marriages have a distinct pursuer and distancer. John: No, I dont. Approach their partner with a sense of urgency or emotional intensity when. Further, he explains that these tendencies are wired into our physiology and reflect a basic gender difference. So, its important to be, Another great way to express your love and care for your beloved is to initiate, plan, and execute. While pursuing and distancing are common ways that couples relate to one another when they are under stress, these patterns can become dysfunctional. Launched simultaneously withDivorce Magazinein 1996, DivorceMagazine.com was one of the first magazine websites in the world. Marriages fall apart when partners become entrenched in the roles. While all couples need autonomy and closeness, many couples struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance and experience pain when their partner is pulling away or withdrawing from them. Whether or not you are a pursuer or distancer in a relationship has a lot to do with the attachment style that we developas children. Essentially, in a pursuer-distancer relationship, one of you wants to settle disagreements or arguments by handling the situation right away, while the other pulls back and goes into "hiding" in . If this pattern isnt reversed, both partners will begin to feel criticized and contempt for each other two of the major warning signs that their marriage is doomed to fail, according to Dr. Gottman. Meanwhile, Keith resorts to his typical distancer strategy, perhaps stonewalling her attempts to communicate by giving her the silent treatment. The San Fernando Valley Bar Association provides a lawyer referral service and information on common legal issues in both English and Spanish. Distancers may look passive on the outside. Its no wonder that many of the interactions between couples become deadlocked into the pursuer-distancer pattern and end up with partners feeling bitter and disillusioned about their marriage. The irony of the pursuer-distancer pattern of sexual intimacy in a relationship is that when couples try to talk things out, it can actually make things worse. Keep in mind that its often the pattern, not the person, thats the problem in the relationship. Debunked: Five Marriage Law Myths from a Family Attorney, Managing Emotional Hot Buttons Can Help You Reduce Conflict: Heres How To Do It, Accept Help to Speed Up Your Court Process, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in Texas, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in New York, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in Georgia, I feel left out when you dont talk to me about whats going on in your head, and Id like to know what youre thinking., I feel hurt when you watch TV when were eating dinner because Id like to learn more about your day., I feel unimportant to you when you dont include me in plans with your friends. As the pursuer, you need to emotionally back off before the distancer in your relationship will feel safe coming closer to you. RELATED: How To Change Your Attachment Style For Stronger, Healthier Relationships. When he chooses to understand and empathize with these critical needs, he can choose a new mindset: He can love her in ways that pull her toward him instead of pushing her away. In Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage, sex therapist Laurie J. Watson writes, Most sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in the marriage. She describes the tug-of-war between being too close and too distant from a partner as a repetitive pattern of one person being the pursuer and another being the distancer. The same advice goes for the distancer. Dr. John Gottman believes that the tendency of men to withdraw and women to pursue is wired into our physiology and reflects a basic gender difference. Suzanne feels increasingly frustrated with her attempts to draw out Keith. In order to calm the anxiety of the pursuer, the distancer should make more of an effort to initiate affection and sex. Note they can tell you how to do things but can't tell you what you should do. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle. The distancer may feel unhappy about how things are going in the relationship, but shes still more likely to maintain the status quo than move toward a partner who is in pursuit mode. Strike a balance between separateness and togetherness. One partner becomes increasingly unhappy with his/her partner feeling that their needs for intimacy arent being met. As Dr. Gottman explains in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, "This classical marital impasse is all too commona wife seeking emotional connection from a withdrawn husband." But it may be too late. Jane: We need to talk about this. How Blame and Shame Can Fuel Depression in Rape Victims, Getting More Hugs Is Linked to Fewer Symptoms of Depression, Interacting With Outgroup Members Reduces Prejudice, Practice Improves the Potential for Future Plasticity, How Financial Infidelity Can Affect Your Gray Divorce, Find a therapist to strengthen relationships. In many cases, the distancer retreats and seeks out alone time when under stress, and this intensifies their partners need for closeness, thus their desire to pursue. Can you make more of an effort to share your thoughts? It's a cycle that psychologists call a pursuer-distancer dynamic. Consider themselves to be self-reliant and private personsmore do-it-yourselfers than help-seekers. You can find more about Steve and get access to his blog and video library here. Restraining Orders. Unhappy partners often find themselves deciding whether financial security or a romantic relationship matters more. He keeps his eyes firmly on the TV and you getangry at him for his lack of attentive listening. Addiction Recovery and Shelter-in-Place: What Do I Do? So, if youre a pursuer looking for ways to break the pursuer distancer pattern, it may be worth considering that your behavior towards your beloved could be driving them further away from you. Thats why its imperative to learn about the ways to break the pursuer distancer pattern. The pursuer needs to call off the chase. John: I dont see the problem. According to experts, the most common reason couples fall out of love and stop being sexually intimate is because of a pursuer-distancer dynamic that develops over time. The post below is an excerpt from The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around. Typically, during the initial infatuation stage, you both want to spend as much time as possible together. It's called a pursuer-distancer relationship. Own your sh*t and stop blaming your partner for the lack of intimacy in the relationship. | 2 Steps to Continually Improve Your Conversations. Narcissists want power. 2023 The Gottman Institute. They have difficulty with vulnerability. I want to say it and move on. Another secondary gain is that of being the martyr, winning the respect, appreciation (and pity) of their friends and family and in their own mind. Feel. It's natural to see our style as the correct one. He suddenly gets up and goes to his office, saying he still has some work to do. The Marriage Minute is a new email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Some effective ways to break the pursuer-distancer pattern Usually pursuers are less aware of, and often much less willing to own up to, their gains from the pursuing role. Distancers are often connected more to their secondary gains than losses. Stop pursuing your partner. 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However, its also fairly common for the boyfriend or husband to be the pursuer and the girlfriend or wife to be the distancer. Gottman found that men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue when they are in intimate relationships. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. They are urgent in their efforts to fix what they think is wrong. They tend to feel anxious that their beloved doesnt love them enough and are worried about their. The first is the passive-aggressive cynical "sorry". Learn not to react to abuse, but to be strategic. Jane: No, Im not! Refer to the list above of pursuer and distancer characteristics to identify. For example, if your partner is not paying enough attention to you, can you come up with some self care rituals that make you feel good about yourself? Compatibility quizzes offer a false sense of security when choosing a partner. In this dynamic, both partners settle for a low standard of intimacy and accept that their dynamic actually validates their own low self-esteem. Even therapists have trouble being good parents. Many partners have limiting core beliefs they adopted early in life but which can affect their relationship negatively. It's the exact dynamic that was in my marriage. Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Ten Common Relationship-Sabotaging Behaviors: Part 1, How To Survive The Divorce Process With a Narcissist, The Truth Behind Why Women File For Divorce More Often Than Men. Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure. If you're a distancer, then you are most likely holding back many of your emotions, something a pursuer will immediately pick up on and feel insecure about. How can you celebrate yourself more? He can choose to understand before providing advice on how to stop the pattern. | Research finds that people with higher incomes tend to report more positive feelings. What goes on behind closed doors is not nearly as appealing as things appear. Today, the website offers thousands of pages of divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts, videos, and targeted advertising. In reality, both partners have similar capacities for intimacy, because the reality is that both partners have settled for a relatively low level of intimacy in their relationship. Researcher Dr. John Gottman also noted that this destructive pattern is an extremely common cause of divorce. Some effective ways to break the pursuer-distancer pattern, How can you avoid the pursuer-distancer pattern in love, Identifying a Toxic and Narcissistic Relationship Pattern, Break or Break Up? If you go after your interests, you will get yourself the time to break the cycle of things. Expect the distancer to behave defensively or suspiciously at your new repertoire. This may come from a deep belief that they are not worthy of love and so, unconsciously, they choose a partner who validates the feelings (also unconsciously) by acting distant and superior. Couples report having the same fights repeatedly. Triangulation occurs when two people who are involved in a conflict attempt to involve a third party. Avoid criticizing each other and make peace by stopping the blame game. This information can equip Pursuer/Distancer couples to work toward survival and healthiness. Her words reminded me that even clashing styles obscure a basic human commonality: When stress hits, we all try to get comfortable. While all couples need autonomy and closeness, many partners struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance and feel chronically dissatisfied with their degree of intimacy. If they go unnoticed and persist for a long time, they can even lead to the demise of a relationship or marriage. Jane: Why do you do that? Its normal to feel a sense of disappointment when your desire for emotional and sexual intimacy doesnt match your partners, and a pursuer-distancer dynamic can develop in the bedroom. Now that youre well aware of the pursuer and distancer lets look at what can happen if the pursuer in the relationship stops pursuing the distancer. Distancers consider pursuers to be ambitious, passionate, and direct. There is little, if any, evidence for opposites attracting. These can be divided into strategies that can be implemented by distancers and pursuers separately. This dynamic is fueled by a fear of intimacy, exposure, or vulnerability by both partners[i]. According to Darlene Lancer, J.D., "relationships can be an exciting path to the unknown. According to some estimates, approximately half of adults find it difficult to be in long-term intimate relationships. 8 Ways to Break the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern: Lets close on the words of Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.: Its always easier to point the finger at our partner than to acknowledge our part in the problem.
